This may sound silly, but yesterday I borrowed my mom's car so I could get all my art supplies up to my classroom. Before I got to campus I asked God for there to be a parking spot for me near my class...as it was up at the very top of the hill and I didn't want to be late! So I got there, and like the day before the traffic was CRAZY! Cars were backed up everywhere and, like always, parking spots were scarce and the competition for them was fierce! I got to the top of the hill and there was not a single spot open. I shrugged my shoulders and let out a defeated sigh and said, "oh well, maybe I was foolish to think I would find a spot, I knew it would be crowded! I will probably be late now...but it will be okay, I will get there!"
Right as I said that I stopped to let a student cross the road and low and behold! A big black truck pulled out of his parking space RIGHT IN FRONT of me! There it was! I nice shinny parking space just for me (shinny meaning the ice!)...right next to where my class was!
Was it petty and silly to ask God for something as feeble as a parking space? I don't know, but it doesn't hurt to ask right?
Did I give up too soon in believing that God would answer my prayer? Most definitely! As simple and seemingly unimportant as my prayer may have seemed to me, I still turned to my Heavenly Father for help, and this is just one more example of how many times I doubt that He has heard me.
As I pulled into the spot, I found myself once again humbled by the loving kindness of our great God! If He cares whether or not I have to carry two arms full of art supplies up... what, at least 10 flights of icy stairs or more on the way up to the art building? Dispersed between 4 or 5 equally icy parking lots in between...how much more can I trust that He cares about the bigger things in my life?
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:6-7
Now I'm not saying that I plan on asking God for a parking space everywhere I go from now on! What I am saying, is that I must humble myself and remember to be in reverence to the one holy God whom I serve. I too often forget the grace, love and mercy that He shows me every single day...which He CHOOSES to do because He loves me! I never deserve His goodness, yet He gives it to me anyway and it is my responsibility to never take it for granted, but to always be in awe of the One who provides for all my needs!
"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?" - Psalm 8:3-4
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
All I really need....is God Himself!
Life is hard and complex, full of joys and sorrows, requiring hard work at times while other times rewarding us with deep rest and warm rejuvenation. Then there is the One constant, God Almighty, who is always profoundly and perfectly good in every circumstance! His will is always carried out as He sees fit, our obedience and surrender aligns us and qualifies us to be a part of it. Our disobedience disqualifies us! My Heavenly Father stripped me to almost nothing this last year, and for a while I was devastated and I didn't understand. Now my life is quieter, less cluttered, and I have become re-acquainted with the richness and depth that a single moment can hold. The treasures God had planted in my heart were dulled and drowning in mucky puddles of busy schedules and noisy atmospheres.
Today as I type this, after a long, tense, and wearisome weekend, I find myself feeling incredibly grateful that God, in His loving kindness, brought me back to nothing, so that He could be everything again! What was cloudy in the midst of the storm is crystal clear now: There is nothing on earth or in heaven that I ever really need to know apart from the fact that I can trust in my God who loves me and is for me....everything He reveals to me beyond that is a privilege, and I should be honored...and humbled that He cares to tell me anything at all!
Today as I type this, after a long, tense, and wearisome weekend, I find myself feeling incredibly grateful that God, in His loving kindness, brought me back to nothing, so that He could be everything again! What was cloudy in the midst of the storm is crystal clear now: There is nothing on earth or in heaven that I ever really need to know apart from the fact that I can trust in my God who loves me and is for me....everything He reveals to me beyond that is a privilege, and I should be honored...and humbled that He cares to tell me anything at all!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
God's awake at 3am, and so am I!
Another one of those nights where my mind just doesn't want to shut off! I drank my tea, read my book, even shed a few healthful tears as I related to what I was reading. I said my prayers and got into my cozy bed feeling the warmth and loving tenderness of a compassionate God all over me!
Still, sleep alludes me as those "loose ends," keep finding their way to the front of my memories. Things I haven't gotten past, people I haven't entirely forgiven, or things I'm still wondering about my future. I finally realized though that all these loose ends are attached to one common thread...my heart!
Isn't that always what God is asking for, our hearts? And isn't that always the one thing we have the most trouble giving to Him in fullness?
"The Lord our God be with us, as he was with our fathers. May he not leave us or forsake us, that he may incline our hearts to him, to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments, his statutes, and his rules, which he commanded our fathers." - 1 Kings 8:57-58
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith" - Ephesians 3:14-17 (read the whole thing though, verses 14-21...there's a lot of powerful reasons why Christ wants to dwell in our hearts!)
I think of prayers that many Christians fervently pray, for God to cleanse them, to purify them, to renew their minds and align their hearts, and to forever change them. I can't count how many times I've asked God to have His way in my heart and to change me from the inside out so that I may be more like Christ.
What I heard very profoundly tonight was this: "Let your heart be changed!"
Maybe that doesn't have as much of an impact on you as it is having on me, or perhaps it does! Either way, the key word here, isn't "heart" or "changed"...it's LET! Let as in, allow, release, yield etc.
In my life, I have learned to recognize one particular occurrence that happens in my heart that is sure evidence to me that God is present and that He is doing a work in me. It's not a vision, or a feeling, not a voice or even a whisper. It's...a softening! That's the best way I can put it. The moments in my life when I feel most touched by God are the times when He is softening my heart.
We all know the phrase, "He is the potter, I am the clay," but I've taken a pottery class or two (definitely don't have a knack for it!), and even though I wasn't a master on the potter's wheel, I knew one thing...you don't use hard clay to make pots! It seems like I may be preaching to the choir about letting our hearts be pliable to God, but I also feel that if we truly understood the point of that message we wouldn't need to hear it as often...but we do need to hear it! At least I know I do...until I have mastered being soft, I need to continually be reminded that my heart is still too hard in places and I need to surrender those areas to God.
I also think of a good hug. There are stiff, awkward, or "casual" hugs for people who maybe don't know each other so well yet, or else it's one of those quick hello/goodbye type of hugs. But then there are those hugs that seriously have healing powers! Do you know what I mean? Have you ever cried in someones arms, maybe a close friend or family member when you really needed a deep secure place to cry? Or what about a hug from a loved one whom you haven't seen in a long while? I'm talking about the kind of hug where your entire body experiences a sense of instant comfort and security. The moment that you go from being completely tense, to completely relaxed and at peace...That's the kind of softness I'm talking about!
There are no safer arms than those of God Almighty! Nor a more comforting place to find peace and rest from your troubles.
"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of men!
For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." - Psalm 107:9-9
"Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free." - Psalm 118:5
...Goodnight friends!
Still, sleep alludes me as those "loose ends," keep finding their way to the front of my memories. Things I haven't gotten past, people I haven't entirely forgiven, or things I'm still wondering about my future. I finally realized though that all these loose ends are attached to one common thread...my heart!
Isn't that always what God is asking for, our hearts? And isn't that always the one thing we have the most trouble giving to Him in fullness?
"The Lord our God be with us, as he was with our fathers. May he not leave us or forsake us, that he may incline our hearts to him, to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments, his statutes, and his rules, which he commanded our fathers." - 1 Kings 8:57-58
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith" - Ephesians 3:14-17 (read the whole thing though, verses 14-21...there's a lot of powerful reasons why Christ wants to dwell in our hearts!)
I think of prayers that many Christians fervently pray, for God to cleanse them, to purify them, to renew their minds and align their hearts, and to forever change them. I can't count how many times I've asked God to have His way in my heart and to change me from the inside out so that I may be more like Christ.
What I heard very profoundly tonight was this: "Let your heart be changed!"
Maybe that doesn't have as much of an impact on you as it is having on me, or perhaps it does! Either way, the key word here, isn't "heart" or "changed"...it's LET! Let as in, allow, release, yield etc.
In my life, I have learned to recognize one particular occurrence that happens in my heart that is sure evidence to me that God is present and that He is doing a work in me. It's not a vision, or a feeling, not a voice or even a whisper. It's...a softening! That's the best way I can put it. The moments in my life when I feel most touched by God are the times when He is softening my heart.
We all know the phrase, "He is the potter, I am the clay," but I've taken a pottery class or two (definitely don't have a knack for it!), and even though I wasn't a master on the potter's wheel, I knew one thing...you don't use hard clay to make pots! It seems like I may be preaching to the choir about letting our hearts be pliable to God, but I also feel that if we truly understood the point of that message we wouldn't need to hear it as often...but we do need to hear it! At least I know I do...until I have mastered being soft, I need to continually be reminded that my heart is still too hard in places and I need to surrender those areas to God.
I also think of a good hug. There are stiff, awkward, or "casual" hugs for people who maybe don't know each other so well yet, or else it's one of those quick hello/goodbye type of hugs. But then there are those hugs that seriously have healing powers! Do you know what I mean? Have you ever cried in someones arms, maybe a close friend or family member when you really needed a deep secure place to cry? Or what about a hug from a loved one whom you haven't seen in a long while? I'm talking about the kind of hug where your entire body experiences a sense of instant comfort and security. The moment that you go from being completely tense, to completely relaxed and at peace...That's the kind of softness I'm talking about!
There are no safer arms than those of God Almighty! Nor a more comforting place to find peace and rest from your troubles.
"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of men!
For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." - Psalm 107:9-9
"Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free." - Psalm 118:5
...Goodnight friends!
Monday, December 20, 2010
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts."
It is somewhat of an American custom to run ourselves at full steam until we dry out... Until there's nothing left in us but the ashes of burned up dreams.
We humans are so good at multitasking that we are able to juggle many things while accomplishing nothing at the same time! Eventually the balls will drop; sometimes one or two at a time, or sometimes all at once, and when they hit the ground that's when we look up at God and say, "this is not what I expected!"
I have often read about the children of God in the wilderness and thought, "why wouldn't they just listen? Why didn't they trust God?" or "what's wrong with them, they say all those miracles?" But today as I read through Hebrews 4, which also includes a quotation from Psalm 95, I realized that I'm not all that different from them!
When I come to my whit's end I find myself asking questions like:
God, why did that have to happen?
What did I do wrong?
God, why have I come this way?
Didn't I do everything I was supposed to?...This is not what I expected!
The children of God in the same way tested Moses' judgment as well as God; "why have you brought us this way? We didn't know it would be this hard! What about this...what about that? This is not what 'we' expected!"
Thank God...no really...THANK GOD for His mercy and His loving kindness! How many times did I forget to look back and remember all that God has done in my life? If I start to lose faith, or if my heart has become hardened and dis-trusting in God, it is because I have forgotten the immeasurable goodness He has shown me, and I have failed to remember the great works of His hands!
"when your fathers put me to the test and put me to the proof, though they had seen my work. For forty years I loathed that generation and said, 'They are a people who go astray in their hearts, and they have not known my ways.' Therefore I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest." Psalm 95:9-11
God showed them His mightiness in plain sight, right before their eyes...and when things got hard in the wilderness they forgot His ways, as if those signs and wonders never happened at all! Hebrews 4 goes on to say that it was their disobedience that kept them from entering God's rest.
I've been finding myself in a season of Ecclesiastes, where everything is vanity, and everything is pointless. What is it that I've been striving for all these years? I don't know what it was to begin with, but I obviously still haven't found it yet! I did what everyone else told me I should do; I ran hard and juggled a busy schedule to accomplish all these goals and aspirations, but then I burned out and ran out of steam.
I did wearily reach the end of the track I was on, however...but to my dismay I looked, and there was nothing there! I wasn't listening! My limited little one track mind was focused so hard on my "goals," that I left God somewhere back at the station. And let me tell you, it's a long, weary, lonely and even bitter road to walk on the longer you wait to turn around and ask God to tow you back home!
I guess I'm on a train analogy for some reason tonight, but it illustrates my point very well. Our hearts can be as stubborn and single minded as a run-away train on a one-way track (which weighs up to 8,000 tons or more by the way!).
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." Hebrews 4:7 and Psalm 95:7-8
It takes a soft, humble heart to turn back to God when you've been going the wrong way, but I've learned that you have to let go of some things in order to do that.
"Oh come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!
For the Lord is a great God, and a great King above all gods.
In his hand are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are his also.
The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land.
Oh come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!
For he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand." Psalm 95:1-7
"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
...Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:12,13 & 16
We humans are so good at multitasking that we are able to juggle many things while accomplishing nothing at the same time! Eventually the balls will drop; sometimes one or two at a time, or sometimes all at once, and when they hit the ground that's when we look up at God and say, "this is not what I expected!"
I have often read about the children of God in the wilderness and thought, "why wouldn't they just listen? Why didn't they trust God?" or "what's wrong with them, they say all those miracles?" But today as I read through Hebrews 4, which also includes a quotation from Psalm 95, I realized that I'm not all that different from them!
When I come to my whit's end I find myself asking questions like:
God, why did that have to happen?
What did I do wrong?
God, why have I come this way?
Didn't I do everything I was supposed to?...This is not what I expected!
The children of God in the same way tested Moses' judgment as well as God; "why have you brought us this way? We didn't know it would be this hard! What about this...what about that? This is not what 'we' expected!"
Thank God...no really...THANK GOD for His mercy and His loving kindness! How many times did I forget to look back and remember all that God has done in my life? If I start to lose faith, or if my heart has become hardened and dis-trusting in God, it is because I have forgotten the immeasurable goodness He has shown me, and I have failed to remember the great works of His hands!
"when your fathers put me to the test and put me to the proof, though they had seen my work. For forty years I loathed that generation and said, 'They are a people who go astray in their hearts, and they have not known my ways.' Therefore I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest." Psalm 95:9-11
God showed them His mightiness in plain sight, right before their eyes...and when things got hard in the wilderness they forgot His ways, as if those signs and wonders never happened at all! Hebrews 4 goes on to say that it was their disobedience that kept them from entering God's rest.
I've been finding myself in a season of Ecclesiastes, where everything is vanity, and everything is pointless. What is it that I've been striving for all these years? I don't know what it was to begin with, but I obviously still haven't found it yet! I did what everyone else told me I should do; I ran hard and juggled a busy schedule to accomplish all these goals and aspirations, but then I burned out and ran out of steam.
I did wearily reach the end of the track I was on, however...but to my dismay I looked, and there was nothing there! I wasn't listening! My limited little one track mind was focused so hard on my "goals," that I left God somewhere back at the station. And let me tell you, it's a long, weary, lonely and even bitter road to walk on the longer you wait to turn around and ask God to tow you back home!
I guess I'm on a train analogy for some reason tonight, but it illustrates my point very well. Our hearts can be as stubborn and single minded as a run-away train on a one-way track (which weighs up to 8,000 tons or more by the way!).
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." Hebrews 4:7 and Psalm 95:7-8
It takes a soft, humble heart to turn back to God when you've been going the wrong way, but I've learned that you have to let go of some things in order to do that.
"Oh come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!
For the Lord is a great God, and a great King above all gods.
In his hand are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are his also.
The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land.
Oh come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!
For he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand." Psalm 95:1-7
"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
...Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:12,13 & 16
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Alien in my fish tank!
Meet Houdini. He is a giant golden Mystery Snail that I adopted a few months ago, and he's been the star of the show in my aquarium ever since! I love to sit and watch him as he goes about his business. Though it is only a 5 gallon aquarium, he never takes the same route twice. If you think of snails as being slow, as I did, that's not entirely true! I was so impressed the first time I put Houdini in his new home, as I watched him zip around the perimeter of the tank in under a minute.
Then he did something amazing, and at first I wasn't sure if I should say, "cool!" or "creepy!" I watched as he made his way up the glass to the top of the tank, then to my surprise he let go of the glass and glided across the top through the water! His soft body was all spread out and flowing through the water, and he also had all four of his "antenna" sticking straight out. It looked like a little alien flying around in my tank, and I'd never seen a snail do that or anything like it! He still does it every now and then. Upon further observation I have discovered that the reason behind it is actually attempting to land on the top leaves of the aquarium plants! Don't worry, he doesn't eat all my plants, just the algae that grows on them :)
I feel a tiny privilege that I get to have such a unique little creature residing in my bedroom aquarium!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Face to Face
Me and my dad (written June, 2009)
Alright, I know this has been a long time coming, and I know many of you have been waiting for the full report on meeting my Dad this summer. There has been a lot for me to process, but finally your wait is over! Part 2, following this post, will be a raw look into my journal; just hours after meeting my biological father for the very first time! This post is for those of you who don't know the full story:
My dad went to prison the year I was born, in 1985. He was convicted of murder charges, among other things, and was sentenced to life without parole.
Growing up I didn't know much about him, except for a few letters here and there. As I got older though, and began asking my mom more questions, the toll of not only having an absent father, but one who was incarcerated for a brutal crime, became an even heavier weight on my shoulders. The more I learned about the kind of man he was, and the things he had done before going to prison, the more I feared him.
The letters he sent came in variations. Some were friendly, some incredibly boring (to a teenager!), and then there were some filled with cruel words and manipulation that, even though it was coming from him, still crushed my spirit so much!
Finally, there came a time in my life where I surrendered the heart he had broken to Jesus Christ, and he mended it! God revealed himself to me as my heavenly Father, who was with me all along, and had never left my side!
With my new heart, and God as my strength, I started responding to my dad's letters again, but this time with an anointing to speak truth into his life with boldness, and faith that it would make a difference.
Though my feet were now on steady ground with Christ, there was still fear ruling in my heart toward him; fears of never wanting to meet him, of what would happen if he ever somehow got out of prison, and fears of letting him get too close to my heart again. After all, he is my father. He is my father, but after all, he is a murderer!
One day while in a prayer meeting, in the year of 2006, I received a word from the Holy Spirit that my dad was going to give his life to Christ. It knocked me to the floor in tears and in praise!
Still, I had no desire to go and see him. Then, this past February 2009, God woke me up in the middle of the night asking me to go! It took me another month of wrestling, but the Lord was insistent, so finally I surrendered my fear and decided to trust and obey.
A couple of months later I received a letter from him, telling me of how in the middle of the night…in February, he poured out his heart in prayer to Jesus Christ from his prison cell and accepted Him as his Lord and Savior! He had been attending a church ministry in his sector for the last several months.
It was all the confirmation I needed to show me that God is so amazing, and that He had a much greater purpose in this than I realized! I made my plans, set a date, and recruited a few close friends to go with me.
Part Two
Journal Entry: June 18, 2009
Today I took one of the biggest steps of faith in my life, and went to see my dad face to face for the first time.
There was a battle going on in my heart; I felt great peace in knowing I was doing what God had asked me to do, but there was also great fear of what I was about to do. I still didn’t understand why I was going, or what to expect to find when I got there.
I packed my bags, jumped in the truck with my wonderful friends, and off we went. The drive was pleasant; full of delightful conversation, laughter, and beautiful scenery. It was everything I needed and more to stay uplifted and optimistic.
Then we approached the outskirts of Salem, and immediately my nerves rose up within me. As we began looking for our exit it seemed like the closer we got, the more my stomach sank and the harder my heart pounded with anxiety. My breath grew shallow and tense, and my hands went cold and stiff around the steering wheel.
The anxiety I was feeling was so intense that I could no longer stay engaged with my friends in the passenger seats as they carried on in conversation.
“Jennifer, are you ok?” Katie asked from the back seat.
“Yes, I just know we’re getting closer!” I said.
After a few times of them having to repeat entire sentences to me, seeing as how I was now in my own world, we switched the atmosphere in the truck from small talk to prayer. We prayer for God’s peace and comfort to settle my nerves and my emotions, for God’s strength to cover my weakness, for courage and boldness to replace my fear, and for Jesus to give me a heart of compassion, grace and mercy instead of anger, resentment, or bitterness.
When we got to the parking lot we gathered in a circle to pray. My heart was pounding hard by that time, and my nerves were practically shooting out through my fingers, but I knew I was supposed to be there! I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit cover me like a cloak as my dear friends prayed over me. It felt as if each prayer was being fastened to me like a piece of armor, and as I walked toward the front door there was a sense that I was walking down a path that the Spirit of the Lord had already been down and prepared before hand! I was filled with joy, strength and anticipation with each step.
I find it so interesting that the same level of anxiety your body goes through when experiencing great fear, such as that when you’re life is being threatened, or such as having a fear of heights or small enclosed spaces, feels very much the same as being on the flip side when you are experiencing the thrill and excitement of doing something new and crazy. Doing something bold, daring, and outside your comfort zone, though it is good, gives you the same adrenaline rush as if someone were to hold a loaded gun to your head!
The Prison
The Sergeant at the front desk was incredibly kind and encouraging. He assured me that everything they did was for my complete safety through the whole process. He even phoned ahead to the police chiefs in the visiting area to tell them it was my first time visiting in a prison.
I was allowed to go in with another family. Going through the series of locked gates and corridors was a little overwhelming. We had to keep strictly to the right along the wall so that the chiefs could keep a clear view down each hall at all times, and no gate was opened until the previous gate was closed and locked behind us. The whole system stirred my fears up all over again. At this point, there was quite literally no going back!
“Are you Jennifer? We’ve been expecting you!” is the greeting I received from two large and stocky police chiefs as I entered the room. They sat me down at a visiting station; two chairs facing each other, separated by a small coffee table, right in front of the chief’s station. This had been arranged in advance as a result of the phone call the Sergeant at the front desk had made when I first came in.
The chairs were all color-coded in neat rows; red on one side for the visitors, and blue on the other for the inmates. The room was packed with inmates and their families. It was such a strange place. Here I was in a room with all these big tough men, in prison for various reasons, and all that mattered to them right then and there was their time with those they loved. I watched as they reached across the tables for the hand of their wives or girlfriends, and traded their points in so that they could hold their children for just a few minutes. Next to their families, none of these men really looked like criminals.
I spent another 45 minutes waiting for my dad. The waiting was the hardest part of it all. The longer I waited, the more nervous I became.
“What will he look like?” I thought. My mind was reeling with questions and senerios, and even though I’d never met him, and had nothing to prove to him, I still caught myself thinking, “will he like me?” or, “will he think I’m pretty?” For the first time in my life, I realized I was about to experience in person what it is like to be a father’s daughter! All the thoughts and feelings I’d missed out on and wondered about growing up, in the absence of my father, came flooding into my heart all at once. Suddenly I felt like a little girl again, and I was also suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable!
I was so nervous that my whole body felt cold and tingly. I felt as though I was about to pass out, and then I finally became aware that I’d been holding my breath without realizing it! I was so amazed at how much physical stress my body was going through all on its own, just from my emotional anxieties!
The Visit
Finally, my dad enters the room. It felt like a clip from a movie, (in comes Marvin Sherman, play dramatic music). What was so amazing to me was that as soon as he walked in, all my anxieties went away. We made eye contact, and as he acknowledged me with a smile, my fears were immediately chased away and replaced with grace and compassion toward him.
We were allowed one brief hug at the beginning of our session, a hug at the end, and to have our photo taken. I stood to greet him, and then I hugged my dad for the first time! The crazy thing about it was that as soon as we hugged, there was something in me that was telling me this hug felt familiar. Not only that, but that after all this time, after so much pain, and after so much fear, there was still a little girl in me that wanted that hug to last a whole lot longer!
That really surprised me! I originally had no intentions of getting too close to him, but once I got there, saw his face, and looked into an older pair of eyes that were just like mine, everything changed!
The man that I saw sitting in front of me wasn’t a big scary criminal convicted of murder. He was just a man; a lowly, timid, broken man, who was burdened with such a heavy weight of guilt, shame, and regret. His embrace as we hugged was tight, but full of trembling, and it was then I realized that he was feeling just as fragile and vulnerable as I was!
I also realized that God was putting me in a powerful position over him, where I had the freedom to choose whether I was going to take advantage of his vulnerable state and possibly crush him, or to show him the incredible Grace of God that was and is continually shown to me. It was like God was saying, “look at what I am holding, and see how tenderly he is cradled in my hands…please, don’t break him!”
We made small talk at first, and the entire time he kept averting his eyes away from looking at me directly. The longest he would maintain eye-contact with me was no more than two or three seconds at a time. His demeanor was more like that of a child, rather than an adult, only this “child” was full of shame, and automatically took a self-assuming position of inferiority to me.
I just wanted to listen at first, so I waited patiently for him to find the words he was trying to say. He pointed out that I had his eyes, and spoke of how the last time he saw my I was only a tiny little baby. I asked about the rest of the family, and then our conversation took a huge shift.
He began to ask about why he was so bad, and what he had done that no one wanted to have anything to do with him anymore. He started delving into the things of the past, but before he could go any further I stopped him and said, “that’s not why I came!”
He looked at me slightly puzzled and responded with, “well then why did you come?”
“I came just because I wanted to meet you!” I replied, looking him square in the eyes.
Then, like a shy little child, his face lit up and he smiled at me, almost as if to say, “really?”
At that moment I felt a flood of great compassion for him rushing in and welling up inside me. It was more compassion than I can recall ever feeling in my whole life for anyone, and it was all coming straight from heaven! It was as if the Holy Spirit had been hovering over me the whole time, and then at that very moment fell upon me and took over from there.
We started talking about God and the Bible, and he shared with me about the Bible studies he’d been attending every week. I was actually amazed at how much scripture he not only knew, but understood! Then I was able to speak life into him from everything that God had taught me.
Apparently, some people were telling him that he could not be fully saved until he was baptized, and that he couldn’t be baptized until he got out of prison. My heart sank with sadness when he told me that. He was obviously greatly troubled by it, and with good reason! My dad was sentenced to life without parole, which means these people were basically telling him he could never really be saved!
Oh, but that’s just the open door God was giving me, complete with flashing lights and confetti (at least that’s how it felt!), to tell him the glorious truth about Jesus Christ! I assured him that since he confessed his sins and invited Jesus to be the Lord over his life, that he was indeed 100% saved and redeemed.
“You could baptize your-self with a cup of water in your cell if you have to!” I said with a smile. “Baptism is about a matter of your heart, not the physical act itself. The Bible says that all who call on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ shall be saved. Baptism is just a symbol of you crucifying your old sinful self with Christ on the cross, and rising again, through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, as a new person.”
I was simply quoting scripture, but each time I went over it with him I saw new hope in his eyes, like I could literally see him being revived in his heart right there in front of me. What a beautiful sight it was indeed!
He then told me that he felt lighter, like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. If that in itself is not enough evidence of the real and mighty hand of God at work, I don’t know what is!
He proceeded to tell me that since he’d started believing in God he was happier, and life in prison even seemed a little easier than it was before. God had suddenly been answering all his prayers…all but one.
“The last prayer I was waiting on was you!” He said.
We talked a little while longer, and then as we said good bye we stood and hugged again. When we turned to part ways, I watched as he took the picture we’d just taken together, and tucked it gently into his front pocket, right next to his heart!
Alright, I know this has been a long time coming, and I know many of you have been waiting for the full report on meeting my Dad this summer. There has been a lot for me to process, but finally your wait is over! Part 2, following this post, will be a raw look into my journal; just hours after meeting my biological father for the very first time! This post is for those of you who don't know the full story:
My dad went to prison the year I was born, in 1985. He was convicted of murder charges, among other things, and was sentenced to life without parole.
Growing up I didn't know much about him, except for a few letters here and there. As I got older though, and began asking my mom more questions, the toll of not only having an absent father, but one who was incarcerated for a brutal crime, became an even heavier weight on my shoulders. The more I learned about the kind of man he was, and the things he had done before going to prison, the more I feared him.
The letters he sent came in variations. Some were friendly, some incredibly boring (to a teenager!), and then there were some filled with cruel words and manipulation that, even though it was coming from him, still crushed my spirit so much!
Finally, there came a time in my life where I surrendered the heart he had broken to Jesus Christ, and he mended it! God revealed himself to me as my heavenly Father, who was with me all along, and had never left my side!
With my new heart, and God as my strength, I started responding to my dad's letters again, but this time with an anointing to speak truth into his life with boldness, and faith that it would make a difference.
Though my feet were now on steady ground with Christ, there was still fear ruling in my heart toward him; fears of never wanting to meet him, of what would happen if he ever somehow got out of prison, and fears of letting him get too close to my heart again. After all, he is my father. He is my father, but after all, he is a murderer!
One day while in a prayer meeting, in the year of 2006, I received a word from the Holy Spirit that my dad was going to give his life to Christ. It knocked me to the floor in tears and in praise!
Still, I had no desire to go and see him. Then, this past February 2009, God woke me up in the middle of the night asking me to go! It took me another month of wrestling, but the Lord was insistent, so finally I surrendered my fear and decided to trust and obey.
A couple of months later I received a letter from him, telling me of how in the middle of the night…in February, he poured out his heart in prayer to Jesus Christ from his prison cell and accepted Him as his Lord and Savior! He had been attending a church ministry in his sector for the last several months.
It was all the confirmation I needed to show me that God is so amazing, and that He had a much greater purpose in this than I realized! I made my plans, set a date, and recruited a few close friends to go with me.
Part Two
Journal Entry: June 18, 2009
Today I took one of the biggest steps of faith in my life, and went to see my dad face to face for the first time.
There was a battle going on in my heart; I felt great peace in knowing I was doing what God had asked me to do, but there was also great fear of what I was about to do. I still didn’t understand why I was going, or what to expect to find when I got there.
I packed my bags, jumped in the truck with my wonderful friends, and off we went. The drive was pleasant; full of delightful conversation, laughter, and beautiful scenery. It was everything I needed and more to stay uplifted and optimistic.
Then we approached the outskirts of Salem, and immediately my nerves rose up within me. As we began looking for our exit it seemed like the closer we got, the more my stomach sank and the harder my heart pounded with anxiety. My breath grew shallow and tense, and my hands went cold and stiff around the steering wheel.
The anxiety I was feeling was so intense that I could no longer stay engaged with my friends in the passenger seats as they carried on in conversation.
“Jennifer, are you ok?” Katie asked from the back seat.
“Yes, I just know we’re getting closer!” I said.
After a few times of them having to repeat entire sentences to me, seeing as how I was now in my own world, we switched the atmosphere in the truck from small talk to prayer. We prayer for God’s peace and comfort to settle my nerves and my emotions, for God’s strength to cover my weakness, for courage and boldness to replace my fear, and for Jesus to give me a heart of compassion, grace and mercy instead of anger, resentment, or bitterness.
When we got to the parking lot we gathered in a circle to pray. My heart was pounding hard by that time, and my nerves were practically shooting out through my fingers, but I knew I was supposed to be there! I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit cover me like a cloak as my dear friends prayed over me. It felt as if each prayer was being fastened to me like a piece of armor, and as I walked toward the front door there was a sense that I was walking down a path that the Spirit of the Lord had already been down and prepared before hand! I was filled with joy, strength and anticipation with each step.
I find it so interesting that the same level of anxiety your body goes through when experiencing great fear, such as that when you’re life is being threatened, or such as having a fear of heights or small enclosed spaces, feels very much the same as being on the flip side when you are experiencing the thrill and excitement of doing something new and crazy. Doing something bold, daring, and outside your comfort zone, though it is good, gives you the same adrenaline rush as if someone were to hold a loaded gun to your head!
The Prison
The Sergeant at the front desk was incredibly kind and encouraging. He assured me that everything they did was for my complete safety through the whole process. He even phoned ahead to the police chiefs in the visiting area to tell them it was my first time visiting in a prison.
I was allowed to go in with another family. Going through the series of locked gates and corridors was a little overwhelming. We had to keep strictly to the right along the wall so that the chiefs could keep a clear view down each hall at all times, and no gate was opened until the previous gate was closed and locked behind us. The whole system stirred my fears up all over again. At this point, there was quite literally no going back!
“Are you Jennifer? We’ve been expecting you!” is the greeting I received from two large and stocky police chiefs as I entered the room. They sat me down at a visiting station; two chairs facing each other, separated by a small coffee table, right in front of the chief’s station. This had been arranged in advance as a result of the phone call the Sergeant at the front desk had made when I first came in.
The chairs were all color-coded in neat rows; red on one side for the visitors, and blue on the other for the inmates. The room was packed with inmates and their families. It was such a strange place. Here I was in a room with all these big tough men, in prison for various reasons, and all that mattered to them right then and there was their time with those they loved. I watched as they reached across the tables for the hand of their wives or girlfriends, and traded their points in so that they could hold their children for just a few minutes. Next to their families, none of these men really looked like criminals.
I spent another 45 minutes waiting for my dad. The waiting was the hardest part of it all. The longer I waited, the more nervous I became.
“What will he look like?” I thought. My mind was reeling with questions and senerios, and even though I’d never met him, and had nothing to prove to him, I still caught myself thinking, “will he like me?” or, “will he think I’m pretty?” For the first time in my life, I realized I was about to experience in person what it is like to be a father’s daughter! All the thoughts and feelings I’d missed out on and wondered about growing up, in the absence of my father, came flooding into my heart all at once. Suddenly I felt like a little girl again, and I was also suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable!
I was so nervous that my whole body felt cold and tingly. I felt as though I was about to pass out, and then I finally became aware that I’d been holding my breath without realizing it! I was so amazed at how much physical stress my body was going through all on its own, just from my emotional anxieties!
The Visit
Finally, my dad enters the room. It felt like a clip from a movie, (in comes Marvin Sherman, play dramatic music). What was so amazing to me was that as soon as he walked in, all my anxieties went away. We made eye contact, and as he acknowledged me with a smile, my fears were immediately chased away and replaced with grace and compassion toward him.
We were allowed one brief hug at the beginning of our session, a hug at the end, and to have our photo taken. I stood to greet him, and then I hugged my dad for the first time! The crazy thing about it was that as soon as we hugged, there was something in me that was telling me this hug felt familiar. Not only that, but that after all this time, after so much pain, and after so much fear, there was still a little girl in me that wanted that hug to last a whole lot longer!
That really surprised me! I originally had no intentions of getting too close to him, but once I got there, saw his face, and looked into an older pair of eyes that were just like mine, everything changed!
The man that I saw sitting in front of me wasn’t a big scary criminal convicted of murder. He was just a man; a lowly, timid, broken man, who was burdened with such a heavy weight of guilt, shame, and regret. His embrace as we hugged was tight, but full of trembling, and it was then I realized that he was feeling just as fragile and vulnerable as I was!
I also realized that God was putting me in a powerful position over him, where I had the freedom to choose whether I was going to take advantage of his vulnerable state and possibly crush him, or to show him the incredible Grace of God that was and is continually shown to me. It was like God was saying, “look at what I am holding, and see how tenderly he is cradled in my hands…please, don’t break him!”
We made small talk at first, and the entire time he kept averting his eyes away from looking at me directly. The longest he would maintain eye-contact with me was no more than two or three seconds at a time. His demeanor was more like that of a child, rather than an adult, only this “child” was full of shame, and automatically took a self-assuming position of inferiority to me.
I just wanted to listen at first, so I waited patiently for him to find the words he was trying to say. He pointed out that I had his eyes, and spoke of how the last time he saw my I was only a tiny little baby. I asked about the rest of the family, and then our conversation took a huge shift.
He began to ask about why he was so bad, and what he had done that no one wanted to have anything to do with him anymore. He started delving into the things of the past, but before he could go any further I stopped him and said, “that’s not why I came!”
He looked at me slightly puzzled and responded with, “well then why did you come?”
“I came just because I wanted to meet you!” I replied, looking him square in the eyes.
Then, like a shy little child, his face lit up and he smiled at me, almost as if to say, “really?”
At that moment I felt a flood of great compassion for him rushing in and welling up inside me. It was more compassion than I can recall ever feeling in my whole life for anyone, and it was all coming straight from heaven! It was as if the Holy Spirit had been hovering over me the whole time, and then at that very moment fell upon me and took over from there.
We started talking about God and the Bible, and he shared with me about the Bible studies he’d been attending every week. I was actually amazed at how much scripture he not only knew, but understood! Then I was able to speak life into him from everything that God had taught me.
Apparently, some people were telling him that he could not be fully saved until he was baptized, and that he couldn’t be baptized until he got out of prison. My heart sank with sadness when he told me that. He was obviously greatly troubled by it, and with good reason! My dad was sentenced to life without parole, which means these people were basically telling him he could never really be saved!
Oh, but that’s just the open door God was giving me, complete with flashing lights and confetti (at least that’s how it felt!), to tell him the glorious truth about Jesus Christ! I assured him that since he confessed his sins and invited Jesus to be the Lord over his life, that he was indeed 100% saved and redeemed.
“You could baptize your-self with a cup of water in your cell if you have to!” I said with a smile. “Baptism is about a matter of your heart, not the physical act itself. The Bible says that all who call on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ shall be saved. Baptism is just a symbol of you crucifying your old sinful self with Christ on the cross, and rising again, through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, as a new person.”
I was simply quoting scripture, but each time I went over it with him I saw new hope in his eyes, like I could literally see him being revived in his heart right there in front of me. What a beautiful sight it was indeed!
He then told me that he felt lighter, like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. If that in itself is not enough evidence of the real and mighty hand of God at work, I don’t know what is!
He proceeded to tell me that since he’d started believing in God he was happier, and life in prison even seemed a little easier than it was before. God had suddenly been answering all his prayers…all but one.
“The last prayer I was waiting on was you!” He said.
We talked a little while longer, and then as we said good bye we stood and hugged again. When we turned to part ways, I watched as he took the picture we’d just taken together, and tucked it gently into his front pocket, right next to his heart!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Habikuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there is no fruit on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will triumph in the Lord; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!
For the choir director: on stringed instruments.
Yahweh my Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like those of a deer and enables me to walk on mountain heights!
and there is no fruit on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will triumph in the Lord; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!
For the choir director: on stringed instruments.
Yahweh my Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like those of a deer and enables me to walk on mountain heights!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
To all my single lady friends! A new and improved post just for you!
This Christmas season for me marked 4 years of single life, and though I certainly do not wish to do it forever, waiting on love has proven to be a most wonderful thing.
I fully agree that it can drive you crazy at times, and I have spent plenty of time in the slammer of loneliness and longing. The only difference between an insane asylum and desire, in my opinion, is that the insane asylum provides the padded room and straight jacket to keep you from hurting yourself!
In these 4 years I've found that waiting really does build character. I feel that God has transformed me into a whole new woman. I look in the mirror today, and what once was a reflection of insecurity, timidness, regret, hurt, and pride; is now a reflection of confidence, radiance, love, passion, and a resemblance that is looking more and more like Jesus.
All of the credit for this goes solely to my period of waiting, not for a man, but for God to finish his work in me. When God gives me these glimpses of what he's doing in me, it's then that I realize that he's designing the wife my husband is praying for!
It's a truly amazing thing to watch God change you and mature you, because in those moments he's letting you see a little bit of how he's planning on answering someone else's prayers through you. So now, instead of longing for a husband, I have realized my God-given longing to be some one's wife...some one's answered prayer!
God has placed a calling on my life to be a wife and a mother in a world where wives are no longer held accountable to the standards of honor and integrity before God. To be a pillar for my family while the world says it's ok for wives to be bulldozers!
By embracing this season of waiting I get to show God that I am refusing to compromise for anything less than His best for my life, but also, that I refuse to compromise myself for anything less than God's best for my future husband!
That puts a big challenge on my part to step up and become the woman my husband will need me to be. It also takes selfishness out of my prayer life, because instead of only praying for my needs to be met in a godly husband, I'm praying for God to do what He needs to do in me to fulfill the needs of my husband in a godly wife. And I'm praying for Him to do all that NOW, while I'm waiting...while I'm a wife under construction! That when my future spouse comes to pursue me, a hard hat will not be required!!
So what's so bad about "testing the waters"? What's so important about "saving" myself anyway?
Why not?
Why not dilly dally with crushes, flirting, and casual dating?
It's not really hurting anyone is it? It's just harmless fun until you find the right person, isn't it?
During these 4yrs God has had to help me let go of some old memories of past relationships. He showed me that what I wanted in a husband was being fabricated by comparing every guy I'd ever dated. Honestly, I don't want my husband to be comparable to anyone I've ever even known! And I'm pretty sure he won't appreciate me using a measuring stick that has a bunch of other guy's names on it!
I've learned that dating is not what tells me who I am, but rather what I am not! All of my time and effort was being wasted on trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. I was also trying to make him play or roll in my own fantasy of what I thought romance should be. Then one day I stood up and asked myself if being dragged through the dirt and having to pick myself up again after every guy I dated who wasn’t right for me was really benefiting me as much as I thought. Is it really worth it? Though it made me feel good and significant for a time, the more I learned about who I am not, the less I realized I knew about who I am, and the woman God designed me to be.
This is when I decided that being led on by the “what if’s” and “what could be’s” in life was distracting me from seeing the what IS and what should be. God has his own ideas as to what my romance story should look like, and it starts with living out my romance story with Him first. Then he pours things into my heart that someday He will use to bless the man He brings into my life.
My romance reserves are locked away and guarded carefully for only one man. God is filling those reserves with love, passion, excitement, fulfillment, desire, commitment, loyalty, gifts and talents, dreams and visions, motherhood, and all kinds of treasures and they are designed and designated for ONE man!
And, He is building these things up to a climax. Like a great novel building up in intensity and suspense that compels you to turn the page and find out what happens next.
God wants us to live out the romance story He has already written for us.
I also think of a jar of fruit preserves when I think of the importance of waiting for romance. Once you pop the seal you have to make the most of the whole jar, or else it goes bad! If you give your spouse a jar that's been opened a time or two already, there's a good chance that what you're giving him has grown some mold! But if that seal is protected, unbroken, and saved for a special occasion, then everything inside remains well preserved. And when your spouse opens it, it will be fresh and full for him to enjoy every drop. And guess what? If you are faithful to guard the treasure God is preserving in you for your spouse, He will be faithful to make sure you get a jar too! Fully preserved, un-tampered with, and filled to the brim with satisfaction. So keep those English muffins handy!
Sure, I could probably find someone and fabricate a love life that fits what I think it should be, but honestly, I think that the only man I could ever fully trust to love me and remain faithful to our marriage, our children and to his faith and devotion to God is the one man that God himself chooses! If I truly trust in the Lord alone, then I can trust the man He brings into my life with all my heart, and with absolutely no fear! You cannot control another person’s heart, so the only way you will have a solid marriage is if that person’s heart is governed by the Lord who is ever faithful and good.
God is really willing to give you a life of romance, but sometimes he waits to see if you’re really willing to hold out for the greatest romance you could have never imagined, or will you continue to compromise for what is most convenient?
God can use this time in your single life to teach you to be faithful to your spouse even before you know their name! Then when the time comes, that strength will be built-in to who you are, and your marriage will be one that laughs in the face of trial and hardship. A marriage ordered and ordained by the Lord, and it will be a part of God’s plan to restore his design of family in the Church.
What are your thoughts? Did I leave anything out? What else makes the waiting season worth doing well?
Waiting for God's best, in me, through me, and for me!
-Jennifer
I fully agree that it can drive you crazy at times, and I have spent plenty of time in the slammer of loneliness and longing. The only difference between an insane asylum and desire, in my opinion, is that the insane asylum provides the padded room and straight jacket to keep you from hurting yourself!
In these 4 years I've found that waiting really does build character. I feel that God has transformed me into a whole new woman. I look in the mirror today, and what once was a reflection of insecurity, timidness, regret, hurt, and pride; is now a reflection of confidence, radiance, love, passion, and a resemblance that is looking more and more like Jesus.
All of the credit for this goes solely to my period of waiting, not for a man, but for God to finish his work in me. When God gives me these glimpses of what he's doing in me, it's then that I realize that he's designing the wife my husband is praying for!
It's a truly amazing thing to watch God change you and mature you, because in those moments he's letting you see a little bit of how he's planning on answering someone else's prayers through you. So now, instead of longing for a husband, I have realized my God-given longing to be some one's wife...some one's answered prayer!
God has placed a calling on my life to be a wife and a mother in a world where wives are no longer held accountable to the standards of honor and integrity before God. To be a pillar for my family while the world says it's ok for wives to be bulldozers!
By embracing this season of waiting I get to show God that I am refusing to compromise for anything less than His best for my life, but also, that I refuse to compromise myself for anything less than God's best for my future husband!
That puts a big challenge on my part to step up and become the woman my husband will need me to be. It also takes selfishness out of my prayer life, because instead of only praying for my needs to be met in a godly husband, I'm praying for God to do what He needs to do in me to fulfill the needs of my husband in a godly wife. And I'm praying for Him to do all that NOW, while I'm waiting...while I'm a wife under construction! That when my future spouse comes to pursue me, a hard hat will not be required!!
So what's so bad about "testing the waters"? What's so important about "saving" myself anyway?
Why not?
Why not dilly dally with crushes, flirting, and casual dating?
It's not really hurting anyone is it? It's just harmless fun until you find the right person, isn't it?
During these 4yrs God has had to help me let go of some old memories of past relationships. He showed me that what I wanted in a husband was being fabricated by comparing every guy I'd ever dated. Honestly, I don't want my husband to be comparable to anyone I've ever even known! And I'm pretty sure he won't appreciate me using a measuring stick that has a bunch of other guy's names on it!
I've learned that dating is not what tells me who I am, but rather what I am not! All of my time and effort was being wasted on trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. I was also trying to make him play or roll in my own fantasy of what I thought romance should be. Then one day I stood up and asked myself if being dragged through the dirt and having to pick myself up again after every guy I dated who wasn’t right for me was really benefiting me as much as I thought. Is it really worth it? Though it made me feel good and significant for a time, the more I learned about who I am not, the less I realized I knew about who I am, and the woman God designed me to be.
This is when I decided that being led on by the “what if’s” and “what could be’s” in life was distracting me from seeing the what IS and what should be. God has his own ideas as to what my romance story should look like, and it starts with living out my romance story with Him first. Then he pours things into my heart that someday He will use to bless the man He brings into my life.
My romance reserves are locked away and guarded carefully for only one man. God is filling those reserves with love, passion, excitement, fulfillment, desire, commitment, loyalty, gifts and talents, dreams and visions, motherhood, and all kinds of treasures and they are designed and designated for ONE man!
And, He is building these things up to a climax. Like a great novel building up in intensity and suspense that compels you to turn the page and find out what happens next.
God wants us to live out the romance story He has already written for us.
I also think of a jar of fruit preserves when I think of the importance of waiting for romance. Once you pop the seal you have to make the most of the whole jar, or else it goes bad! If you give your spouse a jar that's been opened a time or two already, there's a good chance that what you're giving him has grown some mold! But if that seal is protected, unbroken, and saved for a special occasion, then everything inside remains well preserved. And when your spouse opens it, it will be fresh and full for him to enjoy every drop. And guess what? If you are faithful to guard the treasure God is preserving in you for your spouse, He will be faithful to make sure you get a jar too! Fully preserved, un-tampered with, and filled to the brim with satisfaction. So keep those English muffins handy!
Sure, I could probably find someone and fabricate a love life that fits what I think it should be, but honestly, I think that the only man I could ever fully trust to love me and remain faithful to our marriage, our children and to his faith and devotion to God is the one man that God himself chooses! If I truly trust in the Lord alone, then I can trust the man He brings into my life with all my heart, and with absolutely no fear! You cannot control another person’s heart, so the only way you will have a solid marriage is if that person’s heart is governed by the Lord who is ever faithful and good.
God is really willing to give you a life of romance, but sometimes he waits to see if you’re really willing to hold out for the greatest romance you could have never imagined, or will you continue to compromise for what is most convenient?
God can use this time in your single life to teach you to be faithful to your spouse even before you know their name! Then when the time comes, that strength will be built-in to who you are, and your marriage will be one that laughs in the face of trial and hardship. A marriage ordered and ordained by the Lord, and it will be a part of God’s plan to restore his design of family in the Church.
What are your thoughts? Did I leave anything out? What else makes the waiting season worth doing well?
Waiting for God's best, in me, through me, and for me!
-Jennifer
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The demanding life of discipleship
"Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more"- Luke 12:48
With much comes much responsibility, of which there is no room for compromise in the eyes of the Lord.
What is it that you are praying for?
Wisdom, blessing, a fruitful ministry, anointing to lead a group of people, or even for a spouse or for children. These kinds of prayers can send us in tails spins of faith, followed by questioning and doubt when they aren't answered the way we think they should be.
I have come to realize that everything I pray for; even for someone I know to come to Christ, comes with a price tag of responsibility on my part.
There's no doubt that God wants to answer our prayers, and use us in powerful ways for his kingdom, but if he's going to entrust his power, authority, anointing, and blessings to us, sometimes the delay comes from him waiting for us to be able to hold up under the weight.
The more God gives me in life, the more of my life he will require for his own purposes. So if I am praying for someone's salvation, or the fruitfulness of a ministry I am leading, I have to be prepared to give of myself what is required. I have to be prepared to give my time, compassion, and knowledge of God's word to disciple the person I was praying for once they come to Christ.
If God brings fruit to my ministry, I must be prepared for the demands of growing pains. If God is entrusting me to have influence over people, I am responsible for conducting myself and applying my abilities whole heartedly in way that will not cause those people to stumble. So whatever I pray for, I must be willing to allow God to require what is needed of me for that prayer to be fully answered. Then, when I am found lacking, as long as my heart is submitted in humility...that's when the supernatural stuff starts to happen!!
"Therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple."- Luke 14:33
Sometimes what you're willing to sacrifice of your own life is the determining factor for what you should be brave enough to pray for!
With much comes much responsibility, of which there is no room for compromise in the eyes of the Lord.
What is it that you are praying for?
Wisdom, blessing, a fruitful ministry, anointing to lead a group of people, or even for a spouse or for children. These kinds of prayers can send us in tails spins of faith, followed by questioning and doubt when they aren't answered the way we think they should be.
I have come to realize that everything I pray for; even for someone I know to come to Christ, comes with a price tag of responsibility on my part.
There's no doubt that God wants to answer our prayers, and use us in powerful ways for his kingdom, but if he's going to entrust his power, authority, anointing, and blessings to us, sometimes the delay comes from him waiting for us to be able to hold up under the weight.
The more God gives me in life, the more of my life he will require for his own purposes. So if I am praying for someone's salvation, or the fruitfulness of a ministry I am leading, I have to be prepared to give of myself what is required. I have to be prepared to give my time, compassion, and knowledge of God's word to disciple the person I was praying for once they come to Christ.
If God brings fruit to my ministry, I must be prepared for the demands of growing pains. If God is entrusting me to have influence over people, I am responsible for conducting myself and applying my abilities whole heartedly in way that will not cause those people to stumble. So whatever I pray for, I must be willing to allow God to require what is needed of me for that prayer to be fully answered. Then, when I am found lacking, as long as my heart is submitted in humility...that's when the supernatural stuff starts to happen!!
"Therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple."- Luke 14:33
Sometimes what you're willing to sacrifice of your own life is the determining factor for what you should be brave enough to pray for!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Giving without expecting
“But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.” –Luke 6:35-36
I think that this has always been a hard word to chew on, but none the less, it is the word of God.
So how would this scripture play out in our lives in this day and age? What enemies are we to love?
One thing that comes to mind is how many of us often feel unappreciated in ministry. We work and serve away our social lives, and somewhere down the road expect a bus of gratitude, praise, or at least some kind of recognition to come pick us up and take us on tour.
I am not of course saying that the people we are in ministry with are our enemies! What I am saying is that this is a huge blind spot the enemy uses to his benefit if we are not careful to keep our own hearts in check in every circumstance.
Another person’s failure to give recognition, whether it is or isn’t deserved, should not in anyway determine what we give of ourselves in ministry.
“do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return.”
Being effective in any ministry has entirely to do with the condition of your heart, for it will always give you an honest evaluation of whom you are really serving! We ask God to use us as his vessels, but He can’t do that if we keep filling ourselves with bitterness, resentment, jealousy, un-forgiveness, or even just a lack of mercy or compassion toward someone. However small, or seemingly traceless these things in our hearts give us the verdict of “unclean vessel” before God.
At a restaurant, if your water glass is dirty you send it back and ask for a clean one. If God wants to use you to pour into someone’s life, he’s going to want your glass to be clean, because he doesn’t want the pure things He has to give to be mixed or contaminated with something in us that isn’t clean. That’s where confusion and false doctrine comes from!
If we really are serving and living only to please God, then we have no right to demand honor of any kind for our efforts, because God is the one who must always get the glory.
I believe this has a major part to play in us becoming a united church body; to serve each other without expecting anything in return. That when even our own brothers and sisters make us feel discouraged, that we are quick to love them and show them mercy and forgiveness, and so bring honor to God, and prevent bitterness from taking root…in any form.
We are all flawed. Every one of us has the potential to be someone else’s enemy, even unintentionally! Simple misunderstandings; or even just misreading someone’s tone of voice or body language are things we must be on the lookout for, lest we trip and fall into great division.
God is compassionate, merciful, loving and kind. He is patient, slow to anger, and quick to forgive. He reveals Himself to us in these ways for the purpose of teaching us to fall in line accordingly. These are pieces of our character that must be built up if we are to really look more like Him to the rest of the world.
This has been a challenge to me; to take a deep and accurate look at the condition of my heart while I'm serving in ministry. Am I truly serving God, and fully committed to doing my part to keep division out? Or, are my hurt feelings leaving cracks open for the enemy to get in?
“Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”-Luke 6:38 (ESV)
Love covers a multitude of sins…especially within the Church
Commited to giving more, and expecting less
-Jennifer
I think that this has always been a hard word to chew on, but none the less, it is the word of God.
So how would this scripture play out in our lives in this day and age? What enemies are we to love?
One thing that comes to mind is how many of us often feel unappreciated in ministry. We work and serve away our social lives, and somewhere down the road expect a bus of gratitude, praise, or at least some kind of recognition to come pick us up and take us on tour.
I am not of course saying that the people we are in ministry with are our enemies! What I am saying is that this is a huge blind spot the enemy uses to his benefit if we are not careful to keep our own hearts in check in every circumstance.
Another person’s failure to give recognition, whether it is or isn’t deserved, should not in anyway determine what we give of ourselves in ministry.
“do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return.”
Being effective in any ministry has entirely to do with the condition of your heart, for it will always give you an honest evaluation of whom you are really serving! We ask God to use us as his vessels, but He can’t do that if we keep filling ourselves with bitterness, resentment, jealousy, un-forgiveness, or even just a lack of mercy or compassion toward someone. However small, or seemingly traceless these things in our hearts give us the verdict of “unclean vessel” before God.
At a restaurant, if your water glass is dirty you send it back and ask for a clean one. If God wants to use you to pour into someone’s life, he’s going to want your glass to be clean, because he doesn’t want the pure things He has to give to be mixed or contaminated with something in us that isn’t clean. That’s where confusion and false doctrine comes from!
If we really are serving and living only to please God, then we have no right to demand honor of any kind for our efforts, because God is the one who must always get the glory.
I believe this has a major part to play in us becoming a united church body; to serve each other without expecting anything in return. That when even our own brothers and sisters make us feel discouraged, that we are quick to love them and show them mercy and forgiveness, and so bring honor to God, and prevent bitterness from taking root…in any form.
We are all flawed. Every one of us has the potential to be someone else’s enemy, even unintentionally! Simple misunderstandings; or even just misreading someone’s tone of voice or body language are things we must be on the lookout for, lest we trip and fall into great division.
God is compassionate, merciful, loving and kind. He is patient, slow to anger, and quick to forgive. He reveals Himself to us in these ways for the purpose of teaching us to fall in line accordingly. These are pieces of our character that must be built up if we are to really look more like Him to the rest of the world.
This has been a challenge to me; to take a deep and accurate look at the condition of my heart while I'm serving in ministry. Am I truly serving God, and fully committed to doing my part to keep division out? Or, are my hurt feelings leaving cracks open for the enemy to get in?
“Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”-Luke 6:38 (ESV)
Love covers a multitude of sins…especially within the Church
Commited to giving more, and expecting less
-Jennifer
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